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Unusual Things I am Anxious About

  • What if I had never met my husband? If the theory of multiple universes is true, there must be millions of versions of myself out there that never met him. That would be awful! IT IS SO SAD

  • That one day someone might frame me for a crime, and then I'll get sent to prison, and the prison people won't believe that I really have food allergies and so I can't eat the food there, and I gradually starve to death

  • That I might get a religious vision that reveals Islam to be the one true faith, and then I can't eat bacon anymore

  • That my children might grow up and like anime

Merry Christmas!!!

One Thing I've Learned

Babies love to imitate. I remember I was reading once about this experiment where a couple decided to raise their child alongside a chimpanzee so they could figure out which of the human/ape differences were innate (it was the 1930s, all right, parents were weird back then) and they eventually shut down the experiment because they found that rather than the ape picking up human behavior, the son was imitating the ape. Human babies are just really great at imitating even though they mostly just look like drooling potatoes.

What's really great is when it comes to speech. I knew about babies babbling and all that, but until I had these particular babies I never realized that they'll have entire conversations with you in potato-speech (or at least mine do. I have no idea if I have freak babies). It'll be like this:

YOU: Hello, baby! How are you!

BABY: Ua ua ua ua ua ua.

YOU: That's interesting!

BABY: Ggggggg ua ua ua.

YOU: Is that so?

BABY: *nods thoughtfully*

After a while I realized that the baby isn't just practicing speech, it thinks it's participating in a real, equal conversation. It hears all these adults around it talking, and of course it can't understand because it's a baby, so it just hears a bunch of meaningless syllables. So even though it can't physically produce anything more than meaningless syllables, it totally thinks it's joining in and beating the adults at their own game.

What's REALLY great is when you have twins, occasionally they'll get caught in this meaningless-syllable feedback loop and start having a conversation with each other:

BABY 1: Ua ua ua ua ua ua.

BABY 2: Gggggggggg UA UA

BABY 1: Guh Guh uauauaua?

BABY 2: *nods thoughtfully*

It's like seeing two spambots on Twitter getting into a conversation with one another.


I thought I'd start posting a bit more here, even though it's Livejournal and there are probably only 6 people reading it anymore and 5 of those are Russian spambots that have secretly gained sentience somehow. I planned and tried for a long time to do everything I used to do here on Tumblr, but it's never quite worked out, because whenever I write something on Tumblr I just get afraid that someone is going to reblog my post with a note underneath proving that what I wrote was racist, because this seems to comprise about 80% of the activity on Tumblr (the rest is porn gifs).

Anyway, I thought I'd start with a link to one of my favorite short horror stories, Thurnley Abbey. I post it here because it's become apparent that it's one of those hipster horror stories that no one has ever heard of. Whenever someone writes an introduction to it they always talk about how super mega anthologized it is, and yet even the people I know who own a whole shelf of horror anthologies don't seem to have read it. I'll put the reasons I like it under a cut, because it's online behind that link and you really should read it before I spoil it for you. GO READ IT NOW.

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Teeniest Little Red Riding Hood and not-so-Big Bad Wolf, plus Grandmother and the Huntsman. I wish I could have gotten a shot of all four of us but the babies weren’t cooperating. They did manage to be stupidly cute though.

Oct. 14th, 2015

(me and my brother in baby store)

Me: It is a shame my husband is too scared to use our sling to carry a baby, as we have two babies.
Brother: Why don't we get him this carrier? It looks like a tactical baby holder. Like you would use during a zombie apocalypse!
Me: Yeah right. He is never going to fall for that as an excuse for me to get him to constantly carry a baby.

(later, at home)

Me: If you hate it, I can--
Me: Well I'm glad you--

Life Update

Those little potato-looking guys are my son and daughter, born earlier this August. I feel like the luckiest person in the world right now.

I Wrote A Book And You Need It In Your Life


So earlier in the year I wrote this book for Adams Media. It's a collection of funny reviews from around the internet. It has pictures and stuff and is a really good gift book for the humor-enjoying person in your life.

The book is now available for preorder on Amazon at this link: the release date is December 2014. "So why are you telling us about this now, Coville, you crazy animal? It's not out for like three more months!" I hear you exclaim. Good question, friends! It's because it turns out that if Amazon sees advanced interest in a book, it'll put more in stock, and then they'll be more interested in selling more copies because they already have all these copies in stock anyway, and I'm not 100% sure of how the marketing aspect works at their end but it's just really good for me (and all authors!) if you preorder stuff.

So please consider! It is only $9.45, which last time I checked will buy you less than one third of a monkey on the monkey black market.

And here's a link to Barnes and Noble for people who don't use Amazon.

(Cross-posted from Tumblr)


I hear this is standard and the idea is that you're supposed to hand them out for free to your friends and family, like some sort of communist. Yeah, right. If you want my sweet, sweet friendship you are going to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps and buy my book just like everyone else because I'm sorry, this is AMERICA.

But the problem here is that now I don't know what to do with all these books. Hand them out to acquaintances? Take them to libraries? Build a little fort for my cat? I am not sure that would work because my cat is quite big and there aren't really enough books and she'd probably just prefer the empty box to be honest. Other writers who are probably smarter than me, what did you do?

Anyway as you can see the book is SUPER GREAT and it has PICTURES AND EVERYTHING and it comes out in December so that makes it a great holiday present for people you care about enough to spend $8.51 on! So if you haven't ordered it yet what the hell is wrong with you do you want my cat to starve is that what you want

crossposted from tumblr

Advice for military peeps

And veterans also! Are one of those people who gets flustered and doesn't know what to say when complete strangers come up and tell you "Thank you for your service"? I don't blame you! It is a tricky one because you can either just smile or say nothing, which is pretty much like saying "THAT'S RIGHT I AM DAMN AWESOME WORSHIP ME" or you can attempt to contradict them and say something like "Don't thank me, I just signed up three weeks ago after I got fired from the chicken-processing plant for stealing necks" which just makes things awkward as hell.

So I actually found a discussion about this on reddit a nice part of the internet and someone said that he used to find it awkward, but then he started replying to the phrase "Thank you for your service" with "Thank you for your support!". I passed this advice on to A (WHO SOMEHOW STILL LOOKS LIKE A MILITARY PERSON DESPITE HIS LONG MANLY BEARD) and every time he has said it the other person's face just lights up and it's really nice and sweet.