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I Wrote A Book And You Need It In Your Life

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So earlier in the year I wrote this book for Adams Media. It's a collection of funny reviews from around the internet. It has pictures and stuff and is a really good gift book for the humor-enjoying person in your life.

The book is now available for preorder on Amazon at this link: the release date is December 2014. "So why are you telling us about this now, Coville, you crazy animal? It's not out for like three more months!" I hear you exclaim. Good question, friends! It's because it turns out that if Amazon sees advanced interest in a book, it'll put more in stock, and then they'll be more interested in selling more copies because they already have all these copies in stock anyway, and I'm not 100% sure of how the marketing aspect works at their end but it's just really good for me (and all authors!) if you preorder stuff.

So please consider! It is only $10.65, which last time I checked will buy you less than one third of a monkey on the monkey black market.

And here's a link to Barnes and Noble for people who don't use Amazon.

(Cross-posted from Tumblr)

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I hear this is standard and the idea is that you're supposed to hand them out for free to your friends and family, like some sort of communist. Yeah, right. If you want my sweet, sweet friendship you are going to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps and buy my book just like everyone else because I'm sorry, this is AMERICA.

But the problem here is that now I don't know what to do with all these books. Hand them out to acquaintances? Take them to libraries? Build a little fort for my cat? I am not sure that would work because my cat is quite big and there aren't really enough books and she'd probably just prefer the empty box to be honest. Other writers who are probably smarter than me, what did you do?

Anyway as you can see the book is SUPER GREAT and it has PICTURES AND EVERYTHING and it comes out in December so that makes it a great holiday present for people you care about enough to spend $8.51 on! So if you haven't ordered it yet what the hell is wrong with you do you want my cat to starve is that what you want



crossposted from tumblr

Advice for military peeps

And veterans also! Are one of those people who gets flustered and doesn't know what to say when complete strangers come up and tell you "Thank you for your service"? I don't blame you! It is a tricky one because you can either just smile or say nothing, which is pretty much like saying "THAT'S RIGHT I AM DAMN AWESOME WORSHIP ME" or you can attempt to contradict them and say something like "Don't thank me, I just signed up three weeks ago after I got fired from the chicken-processing plant for stealing necks" which just makes things awkward as hell.

So I actually found a discussion about this on reddit a nice part of the internet and someone said that he used to find it awkward, but then he started replying to the phrase "Thank you for your service" with "Thank you for your support!". I passed this advice on to A (WHO SOMEHOW STILL LOOKS LIKE A MILITARY PERSON DESPITE HIS LONG MANLY BEARD) and every time he has said it the other person's face just lights up and it's really nice and sweet.

Speaking of leaving the military

..it can cause temporary Hat Derangement Syndrome, like not long before he got out me and Adam went to Easter liturgy and he wore his dress blues, and then when we were outside he didn't put his cover on. And I asked him "Why are you still holding your cover?" and he said "I'm getting out soon! I don't care about my stupid cover!" and then a lady from church who's been in the Air Force for like 15 years went by and yelled "WHERE'S YOUR COVER SAILOR" and he just automatically put it on

Then when we were in Vegas last year he bought a hat because it was really hot and sunny, but we were inside a mall for like an hour and he kept wearing the stupid hat. And I was like "take your hat off, we're inside, there is no sun" and he was like "Woman I am wearing this hat inside BECAUSE I CAN"

Stuff I miss about the military


  • Competence. I guess active-duty people would find it pretty that I'm using 'military' and 'competence' in the same sentence, but bear with me. Being active duty involves having your shit sorted out to a certain extent. Because if you are incapable of showing up somewhere you've promised you'll be multiple times, or if you refuse to answer your phone and act as if the concept of answering a phone is just baffling to you, you will be weeded out. And so when you only hang around active duty people and their families, you start to assume a certain level of "I have my shit together" from people and then you start to assume that people are just like that. And then you are out and you start to realize just how many people your age do not have their shit sorted out to even the slightest extent.

  • Some level of understanding? This one applies to me in the sense that my husband now has a job that also takes him away a lot and sometimes I can't contact him much. I am used to that, but I used to live in an area where other people were also used to that. If you stepped outside your house, the average spouse you met would also have been dealing with this for years. Now I don't have that. One acquaintance here had her husband go on his first ever business trip and kept messaging me saying "I miss him sooo much OMG I don't know how you DOOO it" and I'm like OMG he's away for one week, really?!

  • Camaraderie. I never got along with most military wives because I am an antisocial person who hates everyone, but at least there was one thing connecting us most of the time. Now I feel like I don't have much connecting me with the average person I meet, not even nationality. That might just be me though because of the hating everyone thing.

  • Cute uniforms

  • Shopping at Camp Pendleton



That's about it.

We got a new kitty

CAM00742

Her name is Marceline.

I am collecting bad reviews.

Any remaining LJ people: I need your help collecting funny bad reviews from around the internet! By ‘funny bad reviews’ I mean:

a) Reviews of absolutely terrible products/services; aka things that are unusually terrible enough to be amusing (“The waiter threw up on my girlfriend and accused us of being lizard people” “The condoms have a tendency to catch fire under heavy friction”)

b) Reviews of good products/services written by dumb people; the reviewer is so clueless or incompetent that the review becomes funny. (“I am giving this ‘The Godfather’ DVD set one star because it would have worked better as an anime”  “The kosher deli manager was rude and glared at me when I ordered a ham-and-cheese sandwich; will not return ONE STAR”)

Both types must be negative reviews, i.e. one- or two-star (or 3/10 or thumbs down or whatever, depending on the rating system)

If you have seen any of these, or happen to come across any, please send them to me by giving me the link to the review to coville dot c at gmail dot com. If you send me something that ends up in the finished work I will do my best to get you in the ‘Acknowledgements’ section! In print!

I have a language question:

If you were talking about the Interstate 10 highway, which one of these would you say:

"There is a terrible traffic accident on I-10."
"There is a terrible traffic accident on the I-10."

Apparently putting 'the' in front of freeway numbers is just a Southern California thing? But I could swear I heard Arizona people doing it as well.