This wouldn't be that terrible if she didn't have the worst "I'm hungry" timing available, like when I have just sat down to nurse a baby.
My cat, seen here looking for food (probably)
- What if I had never met my husband? If the theory of multiple universes is true, there must be millions of versions of myself out there that never met him. That would be awful! IT IS SO SAD
- That one day someone might frame me for a crime, and then I'll get sent to prison, and the prison people won't believe that I really have food allergies and so I can't eat the food there, and I gradually starve to death
- That I might get a religious vision that reveals Islam to be the one true faith, and then I can't eat bacon anymore
- That my children might grow up and like anime
What's really great is when it comes to speech. I knew about babies babbling and all that, but until I had these particular babies I never realized that they'll have entire conversations with you in potato-speech (or at least mine do. I have no idea if I have freak babies). It'll be like this:
YOU: Hello, baby! How are you!
BABY: Ua ua ua ua ua ua.
YOU: That's interesting!
BABY: Ggggggg ua ua ua.
YOU: Is that so?
BABY: *nods thoughtfully*
After a while I realized that the baby isn't just practicing speech, it thinks it's participating in a real, equal conversation. It hears all these adults around it talking, and of course it can't understand because it's a baby, so it just hears a bunch of meaningless syllables. So even though it can't physically produce anything more than meaningless syllables, it totally thinks it's joining in and beating the adults at their own game.
What's REALLY great is when you have twins, occasionally they'll get caught in this meaningless-syllable feedback loop and start having a conversation with each other:
BABY 1: Ua ua ua ua ua ua.
BABY 2: Gggggggggg UA UA
BABY 1: Guh Guh uauauaua?
BABY 2: *nods thoughtfully*
It's like seeing two spambots on Twitter getting into a conversation with one another.
Anyway, I thought I'd start with a link to one of my favorite short horror stories, Thurnley Abbey. I post it here because it's become apparent that it's one of those hipster horror stories that no one has ever heard of. Whenever someone writes an introduction to it they always talk about how super mega anthologized it is, and yet even the people I know who own a whole shelf of horror anthologies don't seem to have read it. I'll put the reasons I like it under a cut, because it's online behind that link and you really should read it before I spoil it for you. GO READ IT NOW.
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Me: It is a shame my husband is too scared to use our sling to carry a baby, as we have two babies.
Brother: Why don't we get him this carrier? It looks like a tactical baby holder. Like you would use during a zombie apocalypse!
Me: Yeah right. He is never going to fall for that as an excuse for me to get him to constantly carry a baby.
(later, at home)
Husband: OH MY GOD THIS CARRIER
Me: If you hate it, I can--
Husband: IT LOOKS LIKE A TACTICAL BABY HOLDER LIKE YOU WOULD USE DURING A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
Me: Well I'm glad you--
Husband: OH MY GOD TAKE A PICTURE OF ME WEARING IT
Those little potato-looking guys are my son and daughter, born earlier this August. I feel like the luckiest person in the world right now.
So earlier in the year I wrote this book for Adams Media. It's a collection of funny reviews from around the internet. It has pictures and stuff and is a really good gift book for the humor-enjoying person in your life.
The book is now available for preorder on Amazon at this link: the release date is December 2014. "So why are you telling us about this now, Coville, you crazy animal? It's not out for like three more months!" I hear you exclaim. Good question, friends! It's because it turns out that if Amazon sees advanced interest in a book, it'll put more in stock, and then they'll be more interested in selling more copies because they already have all these copies in stock anyway, and I'm not 100% sure of how the marketing aspect works at their end but it's just really good for me (and all authors!) if you preorder stuff.So please consider! It is only $9.45, which last time I checked will buy you less than one third of a monkey on the monkey black market.
And here's a link to Barnes and Noble for people who don't use Amazon.
(Cross-posted from Tumblr)