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This is for you, inanechild

Everything's lovely


One is dead. One is America's last best hope against Russians. Seems like a no-brainer. But is it….?


SHOTGUN TOTING SARAH PALIN vs ZOMBIE AYN RAND

as it plays out in my head


Summoned by a voodoo spell performed by Ron Paul, Ms Rand emerges from her money-sign-bedecked grave. Her skin as green as the currency she so loved.




"MUST... CRUSH.... FEDERAL RESERVE.... EAT... BRAINS...."

And only one woman can stop her, blowing apart her rotted skull like she blows apart the heterosexuality of innocent young libertarian women.



"Well, darn it."

 

GAME ON

Sarah’s hold on the zombie-slaying shotgun is firm yet loving, as she grips the shotgun gently, the way you would a lover. Her touch soft, maternal, and yet with an edge of steel. The muscles in one perfectly toned arm contract with light tension as Sarah takes aim, much as she would at political enemies, except using charm and wit instead of bullets, most of the time.

Her perfectly manicured finger caresses the trigger, only to realize with horror that Ayn Rand has summoned the protection of a HOARD OF OBJECTIVISTS!



Other people are secondary values no matter what, so finding someone is not a priority for me. My individualism takes precedence at all costs, if not at all times."


Sarah shoots, but to no avail. The crowd is too thick, determined to protect their queen.



"Please note: If you're overweight, I won't date you. If you believe in God, I won't date you. If you vote for Democrats, I won't date you."



“Well, gosh darn,” says Sarah to herself, adjusting her ridiculously adorable glasses. “I need the firepower of another Republican governor.”




“Ja, at your service, ma'am. Let's kill these girly men.”




“You betcha!”


They high five.

Then they’re like BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM but there is too many of them!



“Too many girly men!”




“You're right, Arnie. Plus, I just plain don't like killing all these nice young folk! We will have to call in another governor.”



"Did someone say… governor?"


"Captain Kirk? You’re… not a governor."




"I'm Governor of Iowa."




"No you're not."




"Well, I'm from Iowa."




"..."




"..."




"You're not even real."




"Yeah? Well, neither were your abs in the last Terminator movie!"




"..."




"..."





"There were script problems from day one."




"BRAAAAAAAINS LIVE BRAINS"




“So, Ms Rand. You fought against the enemies of the mind your whole life. And yet here you are, summoned by Ron Paul, and yet... craving the very seat of the mind of mankind – the brains. You aim to steal brains off others. Like... a government, robbing a businessman of his well-earned wealth in order to prop up a society of looters. You are a looter yourself, Ms Rand. You have become the very thing... you fought against.”










“Well, I'll be. It worked. God bless you, sir!”




“Excuse me, Mr. Captain Kirk! While you were defeating the Russian zombie woman, the Objectivists converted Spock.”




"People see me as a socially inept loner because I tend to avoid superficial conversation."




"RANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND
D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


THE END

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Comments

( 23 comments — Leave a comment )
violettavalery
Jun. 25th, 2009 02:19 pm (UTC)
This...is so insanely random and awesome and I love you and your brain.
lady_kathana
Jun. 25th, 2009 02:27 pm (UTC)
This is the best thing ever.
(Anonymous)
Jun. 25th, 2009 02:51 pm (UTC)
Just the best thing ever.

I'd never dared to dream that fan-fic could bring Kirk and Schwarznegger together. I had no idea it would be this beautiful.

(Don't tell the liberals I hang out with, but the only way I could be tempted into getting American citizenship is if it would let me vote Schwarznegger for President. I am as serious as a heart attack.)

-Sloth
sarahetc
Jun. 25th, 2009 02:31 pm (UTC)
THIS IS SO AMAZING IT BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES.

Now I have to show it to everyone I ever met. Holy cow.
ohinternets
Jun. 25th, 2009 02:56 pm (UTC)
this is genius and should be turned into a major motion picture.

(i always knew ron paul practiced voodoo. i mean, it's obvious.)
runawaynun
Jun. 25th, 2009 03:55 pm (UTC)
HOLY FRAKKING FRELL, THIS IS AWESOME. :D
tim.thesillyaddiction.com
Jun. 25th, 2009 04:46 pm (UTC)
Brilliant. This evening I will be howling "RAAAAAAAAAAND!" at my flatmates until they gently guide me outside and then lock the door.
anastasis
Jun. 26th, 2009 01:15 am (UTC)
I am glad that you finally have an excuse to do that.
bettytron2000
Jun. 25th, 2009 05:28 pm (UTC)
Yes! Brilliant! Needs more rape scenes disguised as empowerment!!
anastasis
Jun. 26th, 2009 02:12 am (UTC)
"Oh stop it, you big strong capitalist man you! Oh, please be gentle! NO NOT THAT GENTLE."
mercyorbemoaned
Jun. 25th, 2009 06:16 pm (UTC)
Wait, you can't fool me. That isn't Zombie Ayn Rand. It's Jacqueline Passey in a Zombie Ayn Rand mask. Nice try.
nnaylime
Jun. 25th, 2009 06:47 pm (UTC)
Epic!
disco_stu_101
Jun. 26th, 2009 07:31 am (UTC)
This was better than I could have imagined, and what I imagined was pretty awesome.
inanechild
Jun. 26th, 2009 08:08 am (UTC)
IT WAS MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN I EVER DREAMED POSSIBLE.

Also, I think that may have gotten me hot.
anastasis
Jun. 26th, 2009 10:47 am (UTC)
That is like the highest compliment I could have received.
novanglus
Jun. 26th, 2009 02:39 pm (UTC)
Can we add some Israeli Death Babes somewhere?

(Anonymous)
Jun. 27th, 2009 01:16 pm (UTC)
ayn
really strange but enjoyable non the less.
southwer
Jun. 29th, 2009 04:48 pm (UTC)
this...was beautiful. THANK YOU.
anastasis
Jul. 1st, 2009 07:12 am (UTC)
Glad you liked it :)
natewinchester.wordpress.com
Jul. 7th, 2009 07:15 pm (UTC)
I am now extremely jealous of your husband to be. To quote Zap Brannigan (aka Kirk-lite):

"I'll be waiting to score you on the rebound."

The only thing that would made this beyond perfect? If you stuck in a "Jingle all the Way" reference like Conan O'Brien used to do when he'd "have the governator" on his show.
anastasis
Jul. 8th, 2009 08:26 am (UTC)
Haha. Thank you. I guess.

Unfortunately, I have entirely blocked 'Jingle All The Way' from my memory.
rose_griffes
Jul. 10th, 2009 09:47 pm (UTC)
Weirdly awesome. FYI, I'm adding you to my LJ reading list.
anastasis
Jul. 11th, 2009 09:25 am (UTC)
Thank you :) I'll add you back.
( 23 comments — Leave a comment )

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